I’m currently reading The Golden Compass (fantastic book by the way), and I’m pretty much amazed by the idea of having a daemon (would make me less crazy for taking to myself), and their names.

Pantalaimon
Stelmaria
Hester
Kaisa
Salcilia

How do they come up with these names? Is there some sort of elaborate naming ceremony? Does someone go, “you look like a hester,” when a child is born (on a small tagent, does the daemon come out during the delivery, or does it sort of appear after that bit of business?)

Do the kids get to name their daemon? I mean if they do, that’s pretty impressive because the best name I could probably come up with is something like paws (because it has paws!).  I’d hang out with all the other cool kids and their awesome named daemons, and the following conversation would occur:

“So what’s your daemon’s name?”

“Paws.”

“No i mean it’s full name. i mean I call mine Oz, but that’s short for Ozymandias.”

“Um..it’s Pawsskyroadcar”

“That’s just a bunch of stuff you saw! Hey everybody let’s ostracize the kid!”

Perhaps having a daemon would not be as cool as I originally thought.

No, it totally would. I just hope people would be bright enough to not let me name the poor thing, or at least not until I’ve read a few JRR Tolkien books. You could probably pull a couple of names from there that would fit alright.

Though, if I could choose, I’d pick a coyote, and name him Wylee.

For the inaugural Lessons in Life, I thought i’d start out Respect, specifically Aretha Franklin’s Respect. 

Jellaby’s Valuable Lesson if Life #1 - When listening to your music device of choice, it is impossible to skip past the Queen of Soul’s Respect.

Even if you find yourself contemplating, “Am I in the mood for this song?”, your mind takes out the handy baseball bat it keeps behind the counter (named Shirley), and gives you a good friendly reminder (also how my landlord reminds me to pay my rent - lesson in life for another day) that you are always in the mood. Honestly though, who doesn’t like Respect (insert easy political figure/celebrity joke here)? Exactly. And Aretha, she likes respect 10x as much, so it’s best you listen to the song. 

As many of these lessons in life go, I’ve learned them the hard way. I foolishly made the decision to skip past the song once, even after Shirley was brandished. Moments after this grievous error occurred, Aretha Franklin’s spirit appeared (she is not passed on, but a piece of her spirit is rightly intertwined with every recording of Respect that she is able to manifest an ethereal copy of herself anywhere). The Queen did not say a word, but just stared. She stared down into the very deepest part of my being, all the way down to atomic bonds that hold the myself together (like Ghost Rider’s Penance Star, but way less lame). I slowly hit the back button to return to the skipped song. Aretha nodded with approval, and then vanished with Respect ringing in the air. 

That last could have been just the song, but I like to believe it was some sort of ethereal sing along.

There has been construction going on outside my window on and for a couple of months. It’s a tiny side street, so I can’t honestly figure out what they are working, because frankly that side street still looks terrible, so I have complied a list of the things they could be actually working on.

1) A Hole to the Center of the Earth - At the beginning, I heard a lot of jack hammers, which has slowly tapered off. They are either extremely close, or have realized a jack hammer is a terrible digging tool. I’m still not quite sure what they will use the hole for.

2) An Underground Lab for illegal research - Again, very little has changed to that street, but there is always construction. Where is all that construction going? Underground! And the only reason to build things underground, well other than fighting the vole people (the mole people and I have an alliance, possibly of a rebel sort), is to develop illegal robotic, genetic, and viral research (just like that season of Buffy).

3) Wig Shop Burglary - I have not crossed out the possibility of some sort of heist going on. I have seen enough movies to know that this could all be some sort of giant distraction. Though, the only business nearby that seems to be worthy of the heist, is the wig shop. I mean it’s possible to go after the dress store, but I hear the real money is in the Alopecian black market.

4) Nuclear Weapon Cache - For a while, I heard a lot of beeping. All bombs beep. Easy conclusion.

5) Some Sort of Death Star - Since I agreed to that rebel alliance with the mole people (the vole is nature’s Darth Vader), this has become my number 1 theory. As soon as you start to even think about creating a Rebel Alliance, 5 Death Stars go into production. England already had 10 in production before people even started thinking about dumping Tea into a harbor. Let’s hope the voles keep that exhaust port in the plans.

Shamballa.

It’s just fun to say.

Go ahead, say it to yourself aloud. If you’re feeling particularly daring, try to stretch the word out as long as possible.

Fun, Right?

Use it wisely.

Just not in front of too many people.

By yourself? No problem. You can do that hopping on the couch with an umbrella while spinning (don’t because you’ll fall and break your neck and I’ll feel bad, and then I’ll have to send flowers) without any issue.

In front of friends? Well, you’ll either be the cool person who found a new game of saying words funny, or you’ll be the weird friend they keep around for entertainment (which isn’t so bad, sometimes you get candy).

But definitely, not on the street. You’ll be the weird person, that people cross to the other side of the street to avoid, and then later discover religion and explain you away as speaking in tongues who they later will douse in holy water (tastes like pineapple vodka for some reason).

Though, there is a small chance you will run into another person doing the same exact thing, and then you two will have to run off and get married in Sssshhhaaammmbbaaallllaaaa. Send me a postcard if it happens (I always wanted to go, but just never can find the time, or the place).

Also, Shangrila is entertaining as well. And ladies drink free after 9 on fridays.

I just couldn’t handle the green, or the various other themes. Thanks froufy for the comment help. I can keep the blue, and people should be able to comment.

Also I filled in that about me section.

This place is actually starting to shape up a little bit.

Tomorrow I’ll put up the crazy elvis sketch i wrote, which will then hopefully kick me to write something else.

In addition, xkcd is hilarious and a bit confusing when you read the archive in reverse.

The Vertigo theme is awesome, but I felt just a little too busy on the eyes sometimes. Also, all the other themes felt way too classy for the tone of this place.

The comment link should be a bit easier to find now.

KWS - Kenny Wayne Shepherd, in case anybody was wondering.

Yeah, that was about it. Oh and I’m at work! Ha! Take that the man!

Anyway, person(s) can leave comments if they so desire.

I also have a sketch (I don’t know if i can call it that), and any feedback would be useful (well not any feedback, “this sucks!” — not useful, “this sucks, and here are the reasons why” — useful, mic feedback — not useful (unless your name is mic AND it passes previous criteria), “i’m zooey deschanel, we should hang out sometime” — awesome (provided you are actually zooey deschanel)).

Anyway, back to work (which is mainly reading xkcd).

So I haven’t quite figured out how to let people post comments, but I think I may have cracked the code, or at least the hidden menu item I had to checkmark.

Anyway, hello internet, it’s nice to see you’re doing well. Have you been working ou?

Edit: Still haven’t figured it out.

And then we add a bit of translation, pulled from wikipedia.

I’m driving Skoda 100 to camp here on Orava.

That’s why I’m hurrying, taking a risk - going through Morava.

The monster lives there comes out of the bog.

Who eats mainly Prague citizens, his name is Jožin.

Chorus:

Jožin from the bog creeps through swamp,

Jožin from the bog closes in on the village.

Jožin from the bog edges it’s teeth,

Jožin from the bog bites, strangles.

To defend against Jožin from the bog, who could imagine-

Only works an aircraft to crop-dusting.

I crossed through the village of Vizovice

The village mayor greeted me, and said to me over some slivovitz

The one who brings Jožin in dead or alive

I’m going to give him my daughter as a wife as well as half of a collective farm

Chorus

I said: give me a aircraft and powder, mayor,

I’ll bring you Jožin, I see no trouble about that

The mayor helped me, in the morning I went up in the sky

The powder from the aircraft prettily fell on Jožin.

Jožin from the bog is already all white

Jožin from the bog is escaping from swamp

Jožin from the bog hit the stone

Jožin from the bog it is the end of him

I caught him, I’m keeping him

Money is money, I’ll sell him to Zoo

And now, this sort of makes sense.

I’ve been deciding what the first post should be? Should be an introductory bit? Should I just jump right into it?

Politics would be a nice topic. It’s one of those topics you shouldn’t discuss at work because apparently making fun of people for not having your same views is only allowed on the internet and family reunions. Though to be honest, I’ve been paying my taxes to the guy at the end of the street who wears a crown (King Valiant! A true and just king! Only asks for peanut butter.) and was surprised to learn we not only have a president, a government, and a government agency that likes to know how much you make. I mean they really need to know. Like every year.

Anyway, Tax Fraud (I learned a new crime!) aside, I pretty much had nothing to write about. Well, that is until I wandered in to the delightful Barnes and Nobles and wandered into the kids section. And there my friend(s) (i’d hate to be presumptious), my life changed for the better. Up on a shelf was the book of ages, a book that makes War and Peace seem silly and trivial, and book that makes Jane Austen want to burn her books with jet fuel (to be fair, even if this book didn’t exist, she’d still want to do that. Her books are terrible). And that book is Vampirates.

That’s right. Vampire Pirates. Pirates awesome. Vampires, gotten a bad wrap lately (thank you twilight) but as long as they stay away from Utah and glitter, pretty cool. Vampirates, awesome to the max. Just think about, you’re on your boat, and then all of a sudden you see this pirate ship! Oh noes! But then you get closer, and there’s no one on there. Phew. Saved.

Wrong.

Sun sets, Bats fly in, and now you’re hanging upside wondering why you just didn’t become a simple barrel maker like your father wanted. Sure, you hate splinters, and your barrels didn’t really have that barel shape people tend to want out of barrels, but no you had to see the 12 seas (there were more seas back then) and meet some wenches, and get scurvy. And now you’re vampire food, hanging upside down, and sure you have scurvy, but scurvy is terrible.

See? That’s awesome. I mean the only way that could be even more awesome is to have some sort of arch nemesis to the Vampirates. I know, first thought is Werewolf Ninjas, but I’m pretty sure I read somewhere (i don’t actually read so who knows?) that ninjas can already turn into other stuff, so it’d just be redundant. Then I got to thinking Ninjas and Frankenstein. But Frankenstein is just one guy, so that’d be more a crossover event, an awesome crossover event. Then it came to me, Ninjas and Mummies. Ninjummies (can’t take credit for the awesome name, a friend came up with it).

Also, way easier to photoshop than the others.

Frightening, right? But the real question is, who would win between a Vampirate and a Ninjummy? I don’t know the answer, but surely humanity will lose, so let’s hope no ninja clans are currently reading this, or any vampires. Pirates and Mummies can’t read, so we’re safe on that front. For now anyway.

-Jellaby Jones